DAY 3-OCT 30 2013 -PAGES 1-30-PART 1
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I AM A WOMAN WHO LOVES TOO MUCH-DISCOVERING MYSELF BY READING THE BOOK
WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood
11 DAYS 300 PAGES.
I am a woman who loves too much
I am 34 years old, a female, a surgeon,artist,dancer,sporty and what not...
but,ONE FLAW.
I am a woman who loves too much .The men I choose to be with in my life have caused me to LOSE out on attaining meaningful milestones that I initially set out to achieve in my life by this age.
THIS IS A WAKE UP CALL
I have this book on my hands-A very old book,it has 299 pages....
I plan to read 30 pages each day,for the next 10 days and finish this book .
As I read,I will underline,QUOTABLE excerpts and also will underline,THINGS that are directly relevant to my life choices and analyze my life on a PUBLIC BLOG PLATFORM.
It takes guts and acceptance of myself TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT..i have both..I have guts and I have now mustered up acceptance too.
Robin norwood the author of this book says that ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A WOMAN WHO LOVES TOO MUCH is the first step.
ACCEPTING that fact takes a lot of BEATING TO MY EGO.
To accept it,to say that something is wrong with my head and emotional intelligence,is hurting my ego..
but yes,,I ACCEPT.
I am a very intelligent person-I.Q is ABOVE AVERAGE.Took I.Q tests when i was 14 and the I.Q PEOPLE sent back a GLORIOUS REPORT...(one high point in my life)
I am a doctor-I AM VERY VERY GOOD AT diagnosis , surgical skills,analyzing medical data and being a GREAT DOCTOR...so,PER SAY..I am not crazy and looney or anything like that...(just clarifying)
I am very emotionally insightful and very emotionally sharp too.When I see dysfunctionality in other people's life,I IMMEDIATELY detect and make note of the SOURCE of their "problems".So,I am emotionally in touch...but not with my own emotions.:)))..(one more trait of women who love too much)
BUT
BUT,when it comes to my love life..I DELIBERATELY CHOOSE, "PROBLEM" personalities.
I choose UNWHOLESOME personalities to be with or to associate with romantically.
i don't want to make out these men as "crazy men" or "bad men".
THEY WERE JUST BAD TO ME..and bad for me..
Again,have to clarify,NO REAL SEVERE PHYSICAL ABUSE OR SOME SUCH..just emotional abuse or lack of consideration for my emotional health and wellbeing...They were bad to me emotionally or bad for my emotional well being.CONSISTENT emotional abuse,does make a person physically sick over time you see...psychosomatic transformation of emotional unwellness-(LIKE I STUDIED IN MED SCHOOL)
These blog articles are not an attempt to make those men look bad..Whether they are bad or not is NOT the question...
WHY THE HELL am i choosing men who ultimately are emotionally INAPPROPRIATE for me IS THE QUESTION..
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DAY 3-OCT 30 2013-PART 1
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EXCERPTS FROM Pages 1-30- PART 1
note:excerpts are in blue,my own personal anecdotes are in black
EXCERPT 1: PAGES 1-30-chapter starter poem
You're walking the wire
OF pain and desire,
LOOKING for love in between
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE:PAGES 1-30-chapter starter poem
This line "pain and desire" pretty much sums up my interaction with mr.green..
How could I SEXUALLY desire someone who was the cause of so much pain and anger?
Again,i am not here to criticize HIM or blame him,coz that is NOT my job...I am here to analyze my own behavior.
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EXCERPT 2:PAGES 1-30-page 2
"They really pursue me and everything and then after they get to know me"-she tensed visibly against the coming pain -"it all falls apart"
I just don't know why this keeps happening to me,I'm afraid to get involved anymore.I mean,it is nothing but pain everytime.I'm beginning to be really afraid of men
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 2 :PAGES 1-30 -page 2
Actually,when i first was talking to mr.green on twitter,I just looked at him as this damaged alcoholic middle aged man with no respect for women and kinda unoriginal too.He would constantly butt into twitter conversations I was having with one of his "longtime" friends..I saw that constant butting in , as him PURSUING me.
However,I DIDN'T see him as an APPROPRIATE person for me at all..I was upset that something in my tweets made him believe that " him" the alcoholic,was good enough for me..I felt sad that I projected such a bad image that he thought he was good enough for me
yet,I SUDDENLY decided to "help" him with his alcoholism ,me being the doctor and all...and as time went on,IT ALL DID FALL APART.
What shocked me about this book , was, THIS BOOK was written in 1985..yeah?all incidents in this book took place before I met mr.green, right?YET,the sequencing of events in each of the cases described in this book,EERILY match mine in some way or the other..which is why,i am convinced that this is a PREDICTABLE PATTERN of behavior(..much like norwood insists)
I am not YET,beginning to be afraid of men,but I am starting to notice that i possibly might be slightly weary to get involved in a relationship.I find staying ALONE more productive.
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EXCERPT 3:PAGES 1-30-page 3
When he returned to his san diego apartment,the phone was ringing.Jill warmly informed him that had been WORRIED about his long drive and was relieved to know that he was safely home.When she thought he sounded a little bemused at her call,she apologized for bothering him and hung up,but a GNAWING DISCOMFORT began to grow in her ,fueled by the awareness that once again , she cared far more than the man in her life did.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 3:PAGES 1-30 -page 3
Actually a very similar situation happened ,EERILY similar incident.
it happened with my med school boyfriend..Actually i never meant for him to be a BOYFRIEND AT ALL..but six years down the lane, in retrospect, let us now call him BOYFRIEND..though at that point that this incident happened..IT WAS JUST A FRIENDSHIP BUDDING..
I was at the strip mall and i was walking along all confused and thinking about the guy i just broke up with to whom i had just made a LONG PHONE CALL from a telephone box(yeah,we still had them everywhere then)..and then funnily,I made this mr.black a call, AND asked him to come over to the strip mall because i was so down about the fact that i broke with a guy i was still in love with
Mr.black came and we talked and then he went back to his home and then I CALLED HIM,,like this lady in this case history does, TO CHECK if he reached home safely, coz i WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM.
wow...too much worrying about people who were strangers only a day or two ago?why?THAT IS CALLED >>>> LOVING TOO MUCH<<<< my friends!
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EXCERPT 4:PAGES 1-30-page 3
"I was supposed to love him and leave him alone at the same time.I couldn't do it,so I just got more and more scared.The more I panicked ,the more I chased him "
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 4:PAGES 1-30 -page 3
Again,chasing people coz i panicked is what i possibly did,to mr.black and mr.purple and also mr.green.HMMMM.nuff said, more about this PANIC CHASING in another blog entry ..so much to put out there for the benefit of readers and most of all and more than anything for the sake of MYSELF!
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EXCERPT 5:PAGES 1-30-page 3
calling him almost nightly ,these conversations were as vague as they were lengthy
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 5 :PAGES 1-30 -page 3
"vague and lengthy" would be the EXACT TERM I would use for the NIGHTLY conversations I would have with mr.black each day for six years...ridiculously pointless,useless,conversations..coz ,they only made me sadder and feel more empty and then i would cry myself to sleep.GREAT.WHAT THE FUCK!
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EXCERPT 6 :PAGES 1-30-page 4
Thus,JILL felll into the role of "shrink" with Randy trying to help hom be more emotionally present for her.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 6:PAGES 1-30 -page 4
eerily,true in my case with MR.BLACK and to some extent mr.green too.
I tried playing the role of "shrink"...Why must i need to do that?that is so unhealthy in a relationship and more than anything,unfulfilling..If i am going to be his shrink,who is going to be there for me?huh?
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EXCERPT 7:PAGES 1-30-page 4
That he did not want her was something she could not accept.she has already decided that he needed her.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 7:PAGES 1-30 -page 4
This totally applies to my interaction with mr.black as time went on, and also with mr.purple and then mr.green. and possibly whatever little interaction i had with mr.t. so far too.
Firstly,I THINK,ofcourse all these men are super-damaged and definitely NEED HELP..but,NOT MY HELP..not my love or romance.
They need to take time to analyze their own deep dark fears and secrets and try to help themselves by seeking counseling...BUT THEY DIDN'T NEED MY HELP..i must be with people who DON'T NEED MY HELP...
Also, i took it too personally,when "GOOD FOR NOTHING" mr.black did not want me.NOT THAT HE SAID THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ME..but he was so PASSIVE the whole time...I was like, " me the superwoman is offering herself to this no-gooder and he the no-gooder has the audacity to say no?" it was an ego thing...
The true issue I should have focused on is that..THE VERY FACT that he was a no-gooder WAS WHAT WAS MAKING HIM feel uncomfortable to want me or be with me.
HE was NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME and he could not relate to me because of that very reason...There is no real REJECTION involved at all...it is just that we were so POLES APART...and were not equal..
comfort develops more easily between EQUALS.
but then, i percieved his passiveness as an ego shattering rejection..as if, "you cannot break up with me!!IF ANYTHING,,i must be the one to break up with you"
Again,JUST TO CLARIFY,he never broke up with me.He just would be so passive and so deceptively secretive and so shut down..and i would break up with him and AFTER TIME TIME,i would get back with him,repeatedly..so many times over the six years.
we see a lot of this in relationships,,about ,WHO BROKE UP WITH WHOM...as if the one who initiated the break up is the SUPERIOR ONE..
which is why, I AM OPENING UP MY PERSONAL LIFE here for everyone's judgement,JUST SO THAT,people can learn lessons...and i can learn some lessons too.
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EXCERPT 8 :PAGES 1-30-page 6
Your childhood may have involved problems of a subtler nature.
your mother's attitude towards you may have been jealous and competitive in private even though she showed you off and bragged about you in public,so that you ended up needing to do well to gain her approval and yet fearing the hostility your success generated in her.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 8 :PAGES 1-30 -page 6
BINGO! not to diss my own mother or anything coz she is definitely a very talented educated smart lady..but let us say,she doesn't have the PARENTING GENE in her as much as i would have liked as a kid!`She was an okay parent,better than most parents,but not the kind of parent i wanted her to be.
This is a common childhood problem that women of my generation faced..We had all opportunities of education and jobs,but were brought up by mothers WHO HAD A TOUGH time gaining education or employment themselves and thus A LOT OF RESENTMENT was harbored by them during their childhood and youth and that resentment AUTOMATICALLY got converted into jealousy,when the mothers saw that their daughters had an easier life than them.
More about this dynamic in another blog entry of my own on the antidote to anger blog..for now,I am just quoting from the book ,k?
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EXCERPT 9 :PAGES 1-30-page 7
It is this basic impairment that operates in women who love too much.we become unable to discern when someone or something is not good for us.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 9 :PAGES 1-30 -page 7
I think,I am not completely unable to discern when something is not good for me.INFACT,my first instinct is BANG ON thousand percent accurate.But ,what bothers me is,I deliberately BRUSH OFF that instinct and pursue what I already know or percieve as bad for me ,almost like a danger seeker with a deathwish.This is not a SELF-PRESERVATION trait at all.
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EXCERPT 10 :PAGES 1-30-page 7
The situations and people that others would naturally avoid as dangerous,uncomfortable ,or unwholesome do not repel us,because WE HAVE NO WAY OF EVALUATING THEM REALISTICALLY OR SELF-PROTECTIVELY.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 10 :PAGES 1-30 -page 7
whoa..bang on,WORD TO WORD,something I must etch in my mind.
The men that other women in my own situation with my kind of talent and my kind of opportunities will REJECT ,I CHOOSE for myself,MORE SO AS A "project" ,"an ego boosting exercise" and as a "challenge"
What I must now understand is,when I do so,I WASTE MY OWN TIME...AND PROBABLY also am opening myself up to DAMAGE, that i don't deserve to expose myself to.
I must learn to be REPELLED by dangerous situations.
I must learn to be repelled by UNCOMFORTABLE situations.
I must learn to be repelled by unwholesome situations.
for instance>>>Interacting TOO MUCH with men who are five years or more my senior IS unwholesome!
why?
BECAUSE,too much interaction inevitably leads to BOND FORMATION
so many times,Heterosexual male-female interactions might lead to romantic involvement down the line..and such a thing happening between me and some older damaged needy man whom I view as a "project" is UNWHOLESOME and unrewarding for me.
I have my own job,my own money and I have remarkable men of my own age, running after me asking me out on a date....There is none of that " FINANCIAL DESPERATION" element to my seeking the attention of older men ,which is often the case when young women are okay with romantically involving themselves with OLDER MEN.
So,why do it? So,why the fuck am I doing it?
because I HAVE NO WAY OF EVALUATING SITUATIONS "realistically" OR "self-protectively" just like Robin norwood eloquently puts it!
lesson?
Be realistic .
Be self protective.
infact,BE SELFISH...Don't give unless you get an equal amount of "emotional and intellectual stimulation" back .
That is not being seflish,btw,it is being REALISTIC and self-protective.
Again,here,so many women are taught that GETTING SOMETHING BACK means engagement or marriage..THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT when i say, I must get an equal amount back..
I am talking about an equal amount of committment in terms of intellectual and emotional involvement and interaction that would enrich my life...
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EXCERPT 11 :PAGES 1-30-page 7
We do not trust our feelings or USE THEM TO GUIDE US.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 10 :PAGES 1-30 -page 7
Actually,I trust my feelings.I think my instinct and feelings are BANG-ON accurate and astute...But then,I don't USE THEM TO GUIDE ME...
I brush off all my instincts and then set out on the path of doom ,like an adventurer WHO WANTS TO DEMONSTRATE FOOLISH BRAVADO!
Lesson
:I must make note of my FIRST INSTINCT,infact,write it down on a blog or journal AND THEN USE it TO GUIDE ME..
no more BRAVADO for me.
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EXCERPT 12 :PAGES 1-30-page 7
Instead we are actually drawn to the very dangers,intrigues ,dramas and challenges that others with HEALTHIER AND MORE BALANCED BACKGROUNDS would naturally eschew.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 12 :PAGES 1-30 -page 7
When i first became friends with mr.black,I NEVER INTENDED to date him.coz he was too ugly and too unremarkable.I had just broken up with my very handsome,very remarkable and very in "love-with-me" bf then AND I was emotionally vulnerable and wanted to throw myself fully into medical studies.
mr.black was in the same clinical clerkship team as me and we were the only two people RATTLING off answers to questions at bedside,so , i figured he would be a great friend and study partner.
SO,per say,I DIDN'T CHOOSE HIM for the drama,danger,intrigue or challenge or anything else..I didn't intend to get romantically involved with him at all.it happened over time.
I WAS FAR MORE HEALTHIER EMOTIONALLY,BACK THEN..you see,I HADN'T EXPOSED MYSELF TO MEN WHO WOULD DAMAGE ME...mr.black was the first,in what seems to be a line of men thereafter.
The next six years with him, was ALL OF DRAMA,INTRIGUE,DANGER AND CHALLENGES alone and nothing else..NOT,one ounce of positivity for me..
I FEEL LIKE MY INTERACTION WITH MR.BLACK damaged me a lot.!
When I finally broke up with him, i VOWED TO REVERSE THAT DAMAGE,AND NEVER EVER EVER GO NEAR DAMAGED MEN EVER.
But funnily,since then,INSPITE OF MYSELF,since then,the only men i seem to choose to get involved with are all about DRAMA,DAMAGE,DANGER,INTRIGUE AND CHALLENGES...
This a pattern with PREDICTABLE PROGRESSION AND PREDICTABLE DISASTOROUS RESULTS TOO just like robin norwood insists.
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EXCERPT 13 :PAGES 1-30-page 7
And through this attraction we are further damaged ,because much of what we are attracted to is a replication of what we lived with growing up.We get hurt all over again.
MY PERSONAL ANECDOTE 13 :PAGES 1-30 -page 7
My family might not have been so bad..but I think, because I got involved with mr.black so young,he possibly was almost like a bad family i grew up with...
BEFORE MR.BLACK, i was never attracted to damaged men..I never meant to get involved with him romantically either...but eventually I did get involved with him,romantically and sexually!
I WAS NEVER ATTRACTED TO HIM ROMANTICALLY THAT WAY TO BEGIN WITH AND THE WHOLE SIX YEARS, ALL I DID WAS TO HATE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART..i hated him so much..but yet would not break up with him or even if i did, i would get back again ...
and through this involvement with him,I POSSIBLY GOT PRIMED with damaged people ...I possibly learned to relate to and sympathize with damaged men BECAUSE OF SUCH A PROLONGED INVOLVEMENT WITH MR.BLACK.
But since i broke up with mr.black,I have been (much to my own alarm) only choosing DAMAGED MEN.All my experiences with men since mr.black HAVE BEEN REPLICATIONS OF THAT SAME DAMAGE i experienced with him.
And all these subsequent choices have all been about being damaged further and I AM HURT ALL OVER AGAIN,just like Robin norwood says!
This is a pattern, THAT NEEDS TO BE BROKEN.
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Tags: Tags: Robin_norwood, psychiatry, psychology, family, support_system, dysfunctionality,dysfunctional_families, family_unit,quotes,women_who_love_too_much,book_review,11days300pages,love,desire,romance,women,
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DISCLAIMER:
I am a 34yr old board certified female physician aka medical doctor.I have studied enough psychiatry to write articles on human psychology and psychiatry with an informed authority.As is evident from this blog of mine,I do infact WRITE articles on various aspects of socio-psychology from time to time.
I personally frown upon plagiarism and thus HAVE TO INSIST that quoting from norwood's book is NOT an effort in plagiarism.I could very well attempt to write articles on the very topics I am now quoting using norwood's words,but since I notice,that she has already done such a good and eloquent job of writing about the topics I am discussing here and since my blogs are essentially advertisement free and since I don't earn any money from my blog entries,and since norwood's book was first published in 1985 and it has almost been more than 25 years since then,quoting words from her book for NON-COMMERCIAL educational purposes might qualify as FAIR-USAGE?
Just for the sake of copyright,I am going to provide the name of the publishers who currently are associated with the book .
The name of the book from which I am quoting excerpts is WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
The name of the publishers ?
POCKET BOOKS which is a DIVISION of SIMON AND SCHUSTER INC. ,NYC.
They have a website and if you wish to procure a copy of this book,surely,they are the right people to be contacted.Here I have to CLARIFY,that I have NOT been paid by them or anyone else ,to quote excerpts from this book,nor have I been paid in any form or kind ,to mention them or the book in my blog.I am just doing this to share some relevant parts of the book for educational purposes for the benefit of my blog readers.
This book was first published in 1984 by pocket books.The copy I own was purchased from an used book store in 2005 and was a 1997,special tenth anniversary edition.
I may not completely agree with EVERYTHING in this book.However,so many sections are relevant NOT just to women,but also to men even in today's circumstances and times,27years since the book was first published.
MY PERSONAL ADVICE ABOUT SELF-HELP BOOKS?
Whenever we read a book ,or read anything anywhere for that matter,IT IS UP TO US,to take and assimilate whatever applies to us and whatever strikes right to us and leave behind what our mind percieves as something we don't want to learn.
IT IS ALL A VOLUNTARY EFFORT OF SELF DISCOVERY.There is absolutely no need to AGREE with everything every self-help book writer says.But,if something in a book or blog ,TOUCHES A CHORD in you,then assimilate it into your being, is all I am saying.
To me,it felt like,norwood almost makes you feel BAD for wanting to help others ,coz,see,according to the book,if you try to help someone out,then that means there is something WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?
pun apart,really though,THERE IS nothing wrong with wanting to help others.INFACT,there are chances that there MAY BE NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU,if you want to help others.Infact,helping others is a great idea too.
Probably what she is trying to say through this book is that HELPING OTHERS at the cost of your own physical and mental health IS A RED FLAG.And I agree but again,helping others is a great idea!
having said that,there are some other topics in her book,which are VERY RELEVANT ,for all of us,AS THINKING FEELING HUMAN BEINGS and as human beings who have emotionally shut ourselves down to a point of numbness.
This book was on the NUMBER ONE newyorktimes bestseller list.But,then,I don't really place much importance to the nytimes bestseller list,coz,all kindsa IDIOT BOOKS do make it to that list..so,yeah,don't go by bestseller lists.Just read and assimilate what you feel is right.k?
