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STALLING THE 12 DAYS 300 PAGES PROJECT
I am stalling the 12days 300pages project for a couple of days or more.
reason?
I think the book REALLY REALLY WORKS in helping me understand my own behavior and is helping me CORRECT my behavior too.
But,then,I figure that once i finish the 300 pages ,and reexpose myself to old memories I might relapse.
How do i tackle a relapse problem?
Well ,for one,WRITING out PURGE BLOGS really helps me really purge out memories of people I want to forget in my life.
Last year,in october 2012,i set out to write PURGE BLOGS about mr.u..
DID THAT HELP?
Absolutely , a THOUSAND PERCENT ,yes.
Now,when i hear about him,NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME.I am stoic.
Now,when i see his pictures,NOTHING HAPPENS TO ME.I am stoic.
I have succesfully PURGED him out of my life.
I am very glad for that...I am very very very THANKFUL for that..
I am glad that I REALLY DON'T CARE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER about his life or his mistakes.who cares!NOT MY LIFE..so who the fuck cares!
The purging effort happened because I SPENT DAYS READING EVERY DAMN email and social media interaction connected to mr.u and then MENTALLY constructing and deconstructing the SEQUENCE OF EVENTS and making a note of WHAT AND HOW.
Then,finally , I typed out those PURGE BLOGS ABOUT HIM and then boom,all memories were emptied out..
This year ,I have set out to PURGE mr.green from my mind and life forever.
for that to work,I must go back and read all old emails and read all of our social media interactions,memories of phone calls if any and other such stuff!
Then ,assess the whole sequence of happenings and make a mental note of how and why.
Only then,would i have successfully collected all the memories that i seek to purge out.
Reading this book by norwood has been an effort in healing from all the damage I incurred due to my mr.green experience.
Actually,I had bought this book in 2005,on a whim,at a USED BOOK STORE..coz i had just broken up with mr.black,the blackhole monster of my life and the title of this book caught my eye.plus they were selling used book at a pittance and I am a sucker for the printed matter!
I was so buzzed up in stress back then,I scan read the book,HERE AND THERE, and just set it aside,coz it felt like a LOAD OF BULLSHIT.
This book DIDN'T HELP ME BACK THEN.at all!
Last year,after i wrote purge blogs about mr.u,I SET AROUND TO ORGANIZING MY BOOK LIBRARY..which had/still has around 2000 books or so....
and while putting away books in boxes,I came across this book.
I had a memory recall of this book being bullshit..
I figured,"okay,let me give it one last read and see if it is still BULLSHIT and then if it turns out to be,then I SHALL GIVE IT BACK TO THE USED BOOK STORE OR LIBRARY"
I did not put it in the box .I put it beside my bed.
And one night,I decided to finally read it. re-read it ,that is!
I took a look at the chapters and boom,second chapter,"GOOD SEX IN BAD RELATIONSHIPS"
whoa!
mr.green and I,,we have a GREAT SEXUAL EQUATION..but very bad relationship otherwise..
so,ofcourse,i jumped to this chapter,so see,"WHAT BULLSHIT"the author had to say.
THAT NIGHT,was a "bingo!" night...An "aha-moment" night..
That chapter,suddenly ,ANSWERED ALL MY QUESTIONS.
And I was like, "wait a min..This book is NOT a bullshit book like i had previously thought"
Then,each night,I randomly read pages,here and there and back and forth and whichever page i opened each night.
ALL PAGES RANG SO TRUE,SO RIGHT..
I was like,"FUCK,tHIS BOOK HELPS"
Then,i had to go look up the author,look up the book and what not..
So, yeah..ACCIDENTAL DISCOVERY ,THIS BOOK!
I figured that I must first write those mr.green purge blogs and THEN proceed to read and finish the book IN SEQUENCE,because,I SURE AS HELL,don't want to go collecting and purging memories AFTER I HAVE FINISHED READING THE BOOK,because I REALLY FEAR A RELAPSE once old memories come back.
So far,it has taken me nearly a week of "ON-AND-OFF reading sessions" of OLD EMAILS.
Going back to the inbox and reading those OLD EMAILS was a BIG PAIN IN THE ASS...TOTAL MENTAL CLOUDING...SEVERE HEADACHE and heartache and tears due to OLD MEMORY SURGE!
TO START WITH,
I dreaded to even open up the MR.GREEN FOLDER..I get anxiety when I try to recall him or his memories .I have hidden all our old emails in a folders..and buried it somewhere in my old inbox...:((((
The "mr.green folder" has THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF EMAILS IN IT...
No,seriously,HE IS the one person i have exchanged back and forth,THOUSANDS OF EMAILS IN MONTHS...
so,needless,it was an OVERWHELMING experience to even set out to actually read up all THOUSANDS of them.All emotional loaded emails,some sexual,some romantic,some very angry,some sad,most of them VERY CHARGED...
This effort at reading up that folder has also been the reason why i have DEFAULTED ON THE 12DAYS 300PAGES project too,coz,the time i had alloted in a day for the project was now being consumed reading the MR.GREEN folder.
I AM HAPPY TO SAY that two days ago,AFTER having spent 3-6 hour stretches of vehemently feverishly reading up our old emails in sequence of old to new,I HAVE NOW FINISHED READING ALL OF THEM.
For a minute amidst all that email reading,I was like,"is this every gonna get over?"
SO MANY THOUGHTS AROSE IN MY HEAD, as I read the emails back to back-so many questions arose as i read those emails-so many things I still wanted to ask him.
With me,once a question arises in my head,I have to ask it..IF I SUPRESS IT for now,it will surely sprout up again and again later,till I finally ask them and find out the answer..the inquisitive mind of a scientist I suppose..LOL
I figured,WHY NOT sent those questions right away to him, while I AM DOING THIS PURGE EFFORT AND GET IT OVER WITH ,rather than bottle it up again, then finish the purge blogs, then finish the 12days300pages project and then weeks down the line, those questions are still lurking in my head and then I dread emailing him that much later ..THAT WOULD BE LIKE SCRAPING UP OLD WOUNDS AND GOING INTO REPLAPSE .
I want to ERASE HIM OUT OF MY MIND AND lead life like I NEVER TALKED TO HIM EVER..i want healing...
This year,january to may,WAS SO PRODUCTIVE..coz i had brushed him off my mind and it was all great.That is when I realized what a toxic effect he has on me.His thoughts are toxic on my productivity.
so yeah,I HAVE TO PURGE HIM.
So,yeah.I sent him some 222 emails this past week.Most of them were forwards of old emails with my added notes about them, asking him things or telling him things connected to that old email....I DON'T CARE WHETHER HE READS THEM .I DEFINITELY don't want him to reply to me EVER...i just had to share my thoughts about them and get them out of my effort.PURGE,PURGE!
I WANT OUT....I WANT OUT...
i never want to know of him or what he is doing ,ANYMORE..
it is too much strain...hurts my heart!
I NEED MEMORY ERASE.
In may 2013,I decided to write SOME PURGE BLOGS regarding mr.green just to GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM...
I kept postponing it till now.
I think,finishing these purge BLOGS and posting them would be a step further in my mental healing..
ONCE i am done with the mr.green purge blogs,I WILL COME BACK AND FINISH READING THE 300 PAGES ..
So,for now,I WANT TO CLEAN OUT MY CLOSET..before i set out to heal.
This 12days300 pages project has JUST GOT TO WAIT A FEW MORE DAYS .
CHEERS ALL READERS.
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I AM A WOMAN WHO LOVES TOO MUCH-DISCOVERING MYSELF BY READING THE BOOK
WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood
11 DAYS 300 PAGES.
I am a woman who loves too much
I am 34 years old, a female, a surgeon,artist,dancer,sporty and what not...
but,ONE FLAW.
I am a woman who loves too much .The men I choose to be with in my life have caused me to LOSE out on attaining meaningful milestones that I initially set out to achieve in my life by this age.
THIS IS A WAKE UP CALL
I have this book on my hands-A very old book,it has 299 pages....
I plan to read 30 pages each day,for the next 10 days and finish this book .
As I read,I will underline,QUOTABLE excerpts and also will underline,THINGS that are directly relevant to my life choices and analyze my life on a PUBLIC BLOG PLATFORM.
It takes guts and acceptance of myself TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT..i have both..I have guts and I have now mustered up acceptance too.
Robin norwood the author of this book says that ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A WOMAN WHO LOVES TOO MUCH is the first step.
ACCEPTING that fact takes a lot of BEATING TO MY EGO.
To accept it,to say that something is wrong with my head and emotional intelligence,is hurting my ego..
but yes,,I ACCEPT.
I am a very intelligent person-I.Q is ABOVE AVERAGE.Took I.Q tests when i was 14 and the I.Q PEOPLE sent back a GLORIOUS REPORT...(one high point in my life)
I am a doctor-I AM VERY VERY GOOD AT diagnosis , surgical skills,analyzing medical data and being a GREAT DOCTOR...so,PER SAY..I am not crazy and looney or anything like that...(just clarifying)
I am very emotionally insightful and very emotionally sharp too.When I see dysfunctionality in other people's life,I IMMEDIATELY detect and make note of the SOURCE of their "problems".So,I am emotionally in touch...but not with my own emotions.:)))..(one more trait of women who love too much)
BUT
BUT,when it comes to my love life..I DELIBERATELY CHOOSE, "PROBLEM" personalities.
I choose UNWHOLESOME personalities to be with or to associate with romantically.
i don't want to make out these men as "crazy men" or "bad men".
THEY WERE JUST BAD TO ME..and bad for me..
Again,have to clarify,NO REAL SEVERE PHYSICAL ABUSE OR SOME SUCH..just emotional abuse or lack of consideration for my emotional health and wellbeing...They were bad to me emotionally or bad for my emotional well being.CONSISTENT emotional abuse,does make a person physically sick over time you see...psychosomatic transformation of emotional unwellness-(LIKE I STUDIED IN MED SCHOOL)
These blog articles are not an attempt to make those men look bad..Whether they are bad or not is NOT the question...
WHY THE HELL am i choosing men who ultimately are emotionally INAPPROPRIATE for me IS THE QUESTION..
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Tags: Tags: Robin_norwood, psychiatry, psychology, family, support_system, dysfunctionality,dysfunctional_families, family_unit,quotes,women_who_love_too_much,book_review,11days300pages,love,desire,romance,women,
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DISCLAIMER:
I am a 34yr old board certified female physician aka medical doctor.I have studied enough psychiatry to write articles on human psychology and psychiatry with an informed authority.As is evident from this blog of mine,I do infact WRITE articles on various aspects of socio-psychology from time to time.
I personally frown upon plagiarism and thus HAVE TO INSIST that quoting from norwood's book is NOT an effort in plagiarism.I could very well attempt to write articles on the very topics I am now quoting using norwood's words,but since I notice,that she has already done such a good and eloquent job of writing about the topics I am discussing here and since my blogs are essentially advertisement free and since I don't earn any money from my blog entries,and since norwood's book was first published in 1985 and it has almost been more than 25 years since then,quoting words from her book for NON-COMMERCIAL educational purposes might qualify as FAIR-USAGE?
Just for the sake of copyright,I am going to provide the name of the publishers who currently are associated with the book .
The name of the book from which I am quoting excerpts is WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.
The name of the publishers ?
POCKET BOOKS which is a DIVISION of SIMON AND SCHUSTER INC. ,NYC.
They have a website and if you wish to procure a copy of this book,surely,they are the right people to be contacted.Here I have to CLARIFY,that I have NOT been paid by them or anyone else ,to quote excerpts from this book,nor have I been paid in any form or kind ,to mention them or the book in my blog.I am just doing this to share some relevant parts of the book for educational purposes for the benefit of my blog readers.
This book was first published in 1984 by pocket books.The copy I own was purchased from an used book store in 2005 and was a 1997,special tenth anniversary edition.
I may not completely agree with EVERYTHING in this book.However,so many sections are relevant NOT just to women,but also to men even in today's circumstances and times,27years since the book was first published.
MY PERSONAL ADVICE ABOUT SELF-HELP BOOKS?
Whenever we read a book ,or read anything anywhere for that matter,IT IS UP TO US,to take and assimilate whatever applies to us and whatever strikes right to us and leave behind what our mind percieves as something we don't want to learn.
IT IS ALL A VOLUNTARY EFFORT OF SELF DISCOVERY.There is absolutely no need to AGREE with everything every self-help book writer says.But,if something in a book or blog ,TOUCHES A CHORD in you,then assimilate it into your being, is all I am saying.
To me,it felt like,norwood almost makes you feel BAD for wanting to help others ,coz,see,according to the book,if you try to help someone out,then that means there is something WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?
pun apart,really though,THERE IS nothing wrong with wanting to help others.INFACT,there are chances that there MAY BE NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU,if you want to help others.Infact,helping others is a great idea too.
Probably what she is trying to say through this book is that HELPING OTHERS at the cost of your own physical and mental health IS A RED FLAG.And I agree but again,helping others is a great idea!
having said that,there are some other topics in her book,which are VERY RELEVANT ,for all of us,AS THINKING FEELING HUMAN BEINGS and as human beings who have emotionally shut ourselves down to a point of numbness.
This book was on the NUMBER ONE newyorktimes bestseller list.But,then,I don't really place much importance to the nytimes bestseller list,coz,all kindsa IDIOT BOOKS do make it to that list..so,yeah,don't go by bestseller lists.Just read and assimilate what you feel is right.k?
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